Wednesday, May 6, 2009

AARP AND ME ... Can it really be?

It kind of goes against my bloggy grain to do a review on a magazine that is SO Not Me. (Of course, Cooks Illustrated wasn't really ME either, it was more a WANNABE.)

There oughta be a law against sending people magazines in the mail that are inappropriate, not-requested, irrelevant, and totally-unappreciated. Such has been the case with AARP: The Magazine (not to be confused with AARP: The Card that gets you the Grand Slam for $3.99 at Denny's.)

I guess they knew if they put Dolly Parton on the cover that a few of us would be interested enough to look inside. And after all, she did give me that great advice yesterday about cotton field fitness. And at least when they send us AARP: The Magazine they have the good sense to address it to my (much) older husband, not me. So, I suppose I won't report them for false solicitation (although don't you think it's funny that I'm using the words 'false solicitation' in the same paragraph with Dolly Parton? Cuz I do :)

I did find a few things in this magazine worthy of calling your attention to. You youngun's should just tuck this information away until one day when you wake up and find your waist has disappeared, your neck has tripled, your boobs keep hitting your elbows, and you speak your fast food order into a trash can in the drive-through lane. Then perhaps you'll be ready to appreciate the following:

(1) There are four regions of the world where people live vital lives into their 90's.
They call these the "people who forget to die". To find out where you should move, go to

Just a hint, none of them are in the United States.

(2) In this month's issue there is an 'interview' with Stump - who shocked the dog world by winning Best of Show at Westminster. I knew retired people talked to their dogs, but I had no idea they talked back.

(3) The latest in self-defense: Protecting yourself with a walking stick -complete with a 3 step illustration on how to jab. If you'd like to find out more you can check out the Cane Masters International Association. I wonder if we can get a bumper sticker that says, Canes Don't Kill, Old People Do.

(4) Hot Reads for geezers this spring include: Fifty is the New Fifty by Suzanne Braun Levine. Just a warning, this is by the former editor of Ms. magazine and she is definitely anti-botox if you know what I mean. If you click on that link and find the back flap of her book you can see her picture - very hippyish, especially that jacket - and the metal belt. I think she's trying to distract people from looking at her wrinkled face :) Maybe that's the key! Dress weird if you're over fifty and no one will notice you need a face lift.

(5) On a serious note, there was also a book review of Losing Mum and Pup: A Memoir, a book about the death of parents.

I could especially relate to the answer to the question "It has been said that the relationship with one's parents doesn't end with their loss, but it does change."
A: "It never goes away, and they never go away. Your parents are your ultimate protectors, and no matter what difficulties you're having with them when they're alive, you can always pick up the phone and hear their voices. They provide a certain level of comfort - just knowing they're there. They're like fire extinguishers mounted on the wall behind glass. You know if it really comes to it, you can break the glass. And now they're gone."

That sure makes me miss my mother and father - and those phone calls.

If your parents are still alive.....Today would be a good day to call them.

(6) Not surprisingly, the magazine is full of health advice.

Two things I found interesting were:
Dieters who wrote down what they ate lost an average of 18 lbs during a 20-week study. Those who didn't keep diaries lost only 9 lbs. Wow, oh Wow! I never knew you could lose so much weight just from writing. I need to get my pencil out and get skinny!

And, as you age your body has a harder time extracting vitamins from foods, so it's a smart move to take a supplement, particularly Vitamin B if you want to improve your mental speed.
Also, sleep becomes more important because the brain moves memories into long-term storage during deep sleep only.

Note to self: Sleep more, and Quit eating healthfully and just take a supplement.

Hey...Maybe getting old is not so bad after all!

(7) I was a little disappointed in the 50 Thrifty Ideas article. I dunno, I guess they just seemed a little out of touch with reality. What do you think?

-Split the garbage collection bill with your neighbor. (We're not quite that close to our neighbors. And I wouldn't really want them over here every time they needed to throw something away. Whoever wrote that thrifty idea has not been taking their supplements.)

-Cross the border for a doctor. For major dental work go to Costa Rica to an internationally known dental clinic and save thousands. (Costa Rica....for a dental appointment? really?)

And lastly, (and I am not making this up, friends...)
-Freeze your assets. Put your money into a plastic container with water and freeze it. When you see something you want, by the time the money is defrosted, you might not want the item anymore. (Of course, if you're on your way to Costa Rica for a dentist appt. you'll have plenty of time for your money to come to room temperature.)

Bottom line on this magazine:
Although I learned a few interesting things, the best thing I can say about AARP: The Magazine is that it only took me about an hour to read through it...if you don't count the crossword puzzle.
Other than that, it makes old people seem mainly interested in health, trips, saving money, dogs, and Dolly Parton.

Tomorrow: Country Living - Beautiful covers, but is there anything inside?
Find out when Cheaper By the Bakers Dozen, Magazine Edition, returns.


brite said...

Once again, a hilarious way to start my day. :) They must have staffing problems because WE were getting AARP things for a while. (???) Maybe they knew we were born old! Can't wait to hear about my Country Living I've yet to read.

Anonymous said...

this post cracked me up!!! i esp. liked the bumper sticker comment......... i know it's lots of work but i am enjoying your every weekday in may posts. ~ brielle

Sarah said...

HA! You made me laugh so hard. Isn't it against the rules to laugh that hard this early in the morning. What in the world? Freezing your money?! I think a good dose of self control should do it.

Moriah @ Please Pass the Salt said...

My mom's coming today, so I guess I'll be talking with her in person, which is best anyway.

They probably assume you're retired with no children in the house and have a small amount of trash and that your neighbors are also retired and have no children in the house and have a small amount of trash. Sharing one dumpster thingy might make sense then. Of course ours are free so I won't ever be sharing.

Thanks for the laugh!

Lauren said...

i cannot stop laughing!

Anonymous said...

I'm just wondering, wouldn't the plane tickets to Costa Rica cancel out any savings you might have made? I mean, I know the mind begins to slip at that age (NOT yours, Mrs. Pittman), but is that bad?

Priscilla said...

Debbie, Keep up the good work. I lost two years and 3 pounds just laughing. I'm going to start the writing diet, too!!


Mama Weso said...

Hey Deb, Bucky and Eilene recently returned from Costa Rica where they went for dental work ... find out how much they saved (and look at their pics ... they had a great time, sans children)!

Davene said...

Oh my goodness, I'm not sure how I missed this one back in May; but it hasn't lost its laugh power a bit. I literally burst out laughing numerous times, especially at this line:

" speak your fast food order into a trash can in the drive-through lane."

God has really blessed you with an amazing sense of humor, Debbie! :)